Why we all need lab cats

Cats are the best pet. Now I understand that there are a great number of people that prefer dogs, some rabbits and small fluffy things. But based on the vital metric of “cute videos online” it is very clear that cats have won the war of pets and stand (well sleep) victorious.

Some of you may disagree with this brilliant argument, but it would really help the article if we could all collectively agree and move on to the important discussion we need to have today.

Labs would be infinitely better if they had cats.

Now cats are fantastic animals, something that thanks to the very compelling first paragraph of this article you all agree with. They come in all shapes and sizes, assuming that all the shapes you can think of are cat shaped and all sizes you can think of are between 1 and 10kg. They are available in a wide range of colours, always fully fluffy as standard (hairless cats are not cats, they are pet wrinkles).

Cats are natural lab companions as without even trying their very design makes them the perfect lab multitool.

Their fluffy coat makes them mobile static electricity generators, perfect for electrochemistry or for sticking experimental balloons to the ceiling. Their sharp retractable claws are ideal for opening boxes, plastic seals on bottles or lab coats with trailing thread they’ve just spotted. They will also act as incubators, helping to maintain a stable 38 degrees C of anything you can persuade them to sit on.

Cats are also the perfect lab mates.

They naturally prowl around the lab helping keep it tidy and clear of clutter. Obviously they are just cats and can’t put things away for you but what they can do is highlight anything you’ve left out cluttering the bench and clear it off, on to the floor, as quickly as possible for you to put away at your leisure. Beakers of liquid particularly will be swiftly batted away making space fo your important experiments.

If you have important paperwork that you need for an experiment, your lab cat will instinctively lie on it and ensure that it doesn’t blow away or accidentally get used for something else. Sometimes they’ll defend the paper so vigorously that they’ll stop even you from getting it back, which greatly reduces the chances of you misusing it.

So adept in the lab are cats that they can even help fill in some of the role of your supervisor.

If you patently explain your results to a cat, they will give you almost the exact same disinterested look as your supervisor. Some of the more experienced cats will even fall asleep during the explanation in order to better reflect professors. Once asleep, cats even have an advantage over a professor as they can be stroked to help you feel calmer about your terrible results.

Given all these advantages it’s a wonder that lab cats haven’t been standard equipment for centuries. Of course I recognise that some people are allergic to cats and so may not agree with these excellent arguments. Obviously these people would need to be immediately relocated away from the cats to labs that specialise in experimental allergy treatments… as test subjects.

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