I am a huge proponent of learning how to code. Coding is good and means you can do about 1,000 more things than err… not with code. Writing eloquent blogs posts apparently not being one of them.

But when learning how to code, it can be a bit daunting – given the vast array of programming languages out there. So to help absolutely no-one at all, I have written up some easy to remember guides to the major programming languages.

These guides are not written through either research or prior knowledge. They are entirely written by trying to guess what the language is from the name – as this is about as much hope anyone has of understanding them when they are starting out.

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This is a programming language probably aimed at programming snakes to push things around. Expect it to involve complicated drawings and a lot of uses of the letter S. Also there are lots of different types of snake, so you’ll probably need to install lots of small separate sub-language packages to actually make anything work.

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From the grade this programming language achieved, I can tell that a lot of effort went into developing it but it still only got a C. This was probably from writing the teacher a really long note explaining why they got it so wrong, and that they will absolutely do better next time. I assume the developers had to stay after class, and have been working extra hard to try and catch up ever since.

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A language entirely sung, by highly trained vocalists. Unfortunately, everything is in a sharp pitch so it sounds just a bit wrong. Most people avoid it just because it’s not comfortable and weirdly different.

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As coffee orders have become more complicated an entire programming language has appeared to deal with requesting the correct coffee from the machine. Unfortunately, Java does still need a trained barista to actually do anything but it does make things easier for the customer to order a ‘class americano_soy_milk’…

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Lego is an amazing product – Assembly is that product merged with programming. Thousands of Lego blocks, each with little bits of code on them, are randomly added together to make a program which can then be run. One single block out of place and nothing works, but it will look impressive to people who understand Assembly – and like something a 2yr old made, to everyone else.

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This is a language specifically designed for surveillance of high-tech labs. Developed by the CIA, it can allow them to watch labs in any country. Initially, this was to steal secrets but now it’s to check that the tips are being racked in an orderly fashion. Chaotic tip racking is a sign of radicalism.

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With the advent of tram systems, a language was needed to help organise trams. Fourtran was developed to be the highest efficiency, tram signalling programming language ever developed. Sadly, it can only control four trams at once and they all have to be really old, slightly rusted trams – so obviously it’s still in constant use.

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I don’t actually think this is a programming language. A more likely explanation is that some Silicon Valley D&D players were overheard complaining about ‘Kobols’ by a journalist. This was then hyped by the media as the Next Big Thing in programming, and has since had a near constant stream of breathy articles written on its amazing theoretical features – such as procedurally generated scripts.

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Sounds like programming for a Microsoft Surface with a box of crayons. You scrawl on the tablet with the crayons and through some kind of magic, the Visual Basic will read the crayon scrawls and convert them into buggy, highly inefficient code. Indistinguishable from the rest of Microsoft’s programs.

I hope that clears up any doubts you had about what each programming language is, and how to use it. So go and herd those pythons or set up a small municipal tram network, whatever programming language takes your fancy.

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Categories: ErrantWritings


Dan · 7 September 2016 at 13:55

I hope you don’t really underscore your Java class names *shudder*. Camelcase in Java man, camelcase! 😉

Otherwise, I laughed in the office and spat out my water, but I couldn’t let the class name lie 😉

    Matthew (@MCeeP) · 7 September 2016 at 13:57

    *looks a own code* ummm… err…. nooo I absolutely don’t do that *frantic deleting*

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