Dear Sales people,

I am writing to you because I feel that I need to get something off my chest. I’d have done this in person but you are a collective of thousands of people and it seems unlikely that I can persuade you all to meet me at a coffee shop to ‘talk’.

We’ve had a complicated relationship over the years. From the first time we met and you were trying to sell a dizzying array of lab consumables I knew that our relationship was going to be long and filled with exciting challenges.

We’ve danced back and forth between you trying to sell me suff I need, me trying to buy stuff I need, you trying to sell me other stuff and me trying to get you out the door as quickly as possible.

I’ll always think fondly of those times when you’ve actually had the thing I wanted available and I’ve been able to give you money for it.

Good times.

But it’s not all been sales and smiles. Many times you’ve let me down and promised me things that have turned out to be the science equivalent of a unicorn made of chocolate. In several cases you’ve actually offered me chocolate but I’m still waiting on the unicorn.

However, not amount of unicorn promises and impossibly high quotes can make it okay for the way I’ve treated you. They way I’ve repeatedly ghosted and blanked you for months at a time.

Countless times I’ve contacted you for quotes or even just to check you sell a product and almost always you’ve replied with information. Not always the information I was asking for but you were trying.

In return I’ve replied with deafening silence.

You’ve persevered with continued e-mails including subjects such as “Did you get my quote okay?” and “Was this helpful”. Reaching out to me just to make sure I was happy.

Again I replied with nothing.

This kind of behaviour by me is totally unacceptable. You’ve put yourself out there with your quote or helpful link to a incomprehensible ordering page and I’ve used you and moved on with my work.

I can try and explain this kind of behaviour.

I’m busy with countless other researcher’s things. I have other e-mails that filled up my inbox. There are lots of sales people contacting me and I can’t possibly find time to reply to you all. My project changed, to something else and I don’t need to know the answer to that any more. The money I thought I had was used up and now I don’t want to buy anything.

But each of the reasons somehow make me sound even worse! Combined it comes across like I don’t care about your e-mail, I’m seeing other sales people behind your back, I’m asking questions I don’t really need answered and even if you answer I can’t spend any money anyway. Which in my defence is only mostly accurate most of the time!

Where do we go from here? Well, I’m not sure I can promise to stop ghosting you. I feel terrible about it and I hope you realise that I don’t mean to be so cruel.

So I ask, can you please forgive me. If you can somehow see past all of this and find that forgiveness, then can you look deeper still into your heart and maybe, just maybe, find me an extra 10% discount? That would be great.

Warmest Regards,


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Categories: ErrantWritings

1 Comment

Chris · 8 May 2019 at 15:55

I am still waiting for:
Dear researcher:
We’ve had our ups and downs. Well, to be honest I don’t know if we ever really had anything at all… sigh. I’ve seen an abstract of your work at giant conference booklet and scraped your email address with hundreds of others. I had no choice!
My job is to hound as many people as possible by pretending I’ve read their abstract, and telling them they need my product, even though nothing indicates that they even work at cryogenic temperatures. I hate myself every day for it! I send you follow up emails saying I will be in your neighborhood, demanding you meet to talk about your research needs and connect me to other people in your lab, surely there must be somebody, anybody who works at those f-ing cryogenic temperatures! I know you think that is pushy, but I don’t know what else to do. I was once just like you, working away innocently in a lab, with nary a thought as to what jobs are out there, sufficient to provide for me and my streaming subscription.
Now I am in sales. Please forgive me. Yes, I have been to a spam folder before, I know where to go from here.

Best regards,
Non-threatening name I go by

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